So Terrorists Hate Teddy Bears Now?

Apparently a British woman teaching in Sudan is under arrest for letting her students name a teddy bear that one of the little girls brought into class. The class took a vote on what to name the bear, and they chose Muhammad. Uh oh. Not the M-word! This got the teacher in some hot water, as she apparently can receive a punishment of up to 6 months in jail, 40 lashes, or a huge fine. I think I'll take the fine, thank you very much. You can read the article here. The school is run by Christians and is multi-racial and co-ed, but unfortunately Sudan's population is 50-70% Muslim and only 4-15% Christian. No wonder they didn't like the teacher naming the bear Muhammad....but wait...didn't the kids take a democratic vote on what to name the bear? Oooooohhhhh. I get it now. Maybe it wasn't the fact that they named it Muhammad (which is the most common name in the world, unlike the name McLovin), but the fact that a Western woman gave a group of children (including females, one of which whom the bear belonged to) THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE VIA A DEMOCRATIC VOTE! Gasp! Blasphemy! God forbid the Muslim world allow their citizens an ounce of freedom! How dare they!

You see, these are the kinds of nut jobs that our government keeps letting into our country; where they proceed to form their own little social bubbles, and then bitch and moan and sue the pants off people who don't want them to enact their Sharia law, or who simply offend "the religion of peace" in any way. Yeah, "religion of peace" my ass. Arresting a woman because her students named a teddy bear - a fucking inanimate object - after the prophet Muhammad and then threatening her with jail time and 40 lashes is not characteristic of a "religion of peace." If Islam is the "religion of peace," then the Cross Bronx Expressway is the best highway ever designed. Fuck! Can we please grow some balls and start putting an end to this madness? I have an idea of how to end it, and it starts by pushing a big red button on-board a submarine. Seriously...how many more people have to get royally fucked because they offended Islam?





P.S. Muhammad can fondle my balls! Oops :) Looks like it's 40 lashes for me! Any chance I could just take that fine?

The Best of Boobs & Dinosaurs: The Movie

Ladies and gentlemen...the moment you've all not been waiting for...I present to you The Best of Boobs & Dinosaurs: The Movie!!!

So I guess I should give a little background story as to what Boobs & Dinosaurs is. Well, it started during a summer trip to Wildwood, NJ with a bunch of my friends after freshman year of college. We were bored because the weather was shitty and we had nothing to do but stay in our hotel room and get drunk. So my friend Nick and I decided to make use of the video camera we borrowed from our friend Gutie, and film a drunken excuse for a talk show. We filmed one show for every night we were down the shore. We decided that it was a fun way to get drunk and pass the time during our boring lives, so whenever we came home from college we'd film a show. We landed on the name Boobs & Dinosaurs after a conversation about what types of things should be included in the ultimate guy movie: robots, hot chicks, fast cars, explosions, boobs, killing, fighter planes, dinosaurs, heavy metal, Burt Reynolds, and so on and so forth. We took two things from that list that were the most unrelated to each other, and that we thought would sound the most random if used for the name of the show...thus leading to the name of Boobs & Dinosaurs. After Gutie got his video camera stolen by some stupid Monday up at Boston University, we lost the ability to film our show, since no one else had a video camera or the money to buy one. We also realized how lame we were, and decided that it was time to stop sitting in my basement getting drunk and actually go out and socialize with other people for once.

So now...without further delay, I give you the Best of Boobs & Dinosaurs: The Movie. I had to break it up into four separate parts to be able to post it all. I still don't know why I'm posting this, because it's equally embarrassing for all parties involved...but oh well...whatever.

WARNING: Our humor is very stupid, and some people may find it unfunny and possibly offensive...but we could give two shits.

It was a full house...

I tried to take a shit today at work, and every stall was taken. All three stalls in the main bathroom were full; the cleaning lady was cleaning the other bathroom; and two dudes were dumping in the third bathroom. What the fuck! Get out of the bathroom, cleaning lady! Clean after everyone goes home! I need to take shit, and that's more urgent than you cleaning the bathroom at 10:30am!!!

Teaser Trailer - Best of Boobs and Dinosaurs

Here's a little something to wet your appetite. Yes it has finally arrived...the moment you've all been waiting for...sort of. It's the teaser trailer to the Best of Boobs and Dinosaurs movie! If you want to know what Boobs and Dinosaurs is (or was) all about, then you'll have to wait until I figure out how to load the full movie onto YouTube so I can post it here on For Whom The Bells Tolls. The file is huge, and apparently YouTube limits you to 10 minutes or 100 MB...so I gotta figure out some way to break up the video into parts. In the mean time, enjoy the teaser!

Guitar Hero = Guitar Queer-o

Guitar Hero seems to be the tits lately, especially since it got the honor of being made fun of on South Park this week. Everyone raved over Guitar Hero II so much that it seems like developers waited...oh...about...2 weeks after GHII came out to release GHIII. What's the difference between the two games? A wireless guitar and new songs!!! Joy!!! I seriously don't fuckin get the point of this game. I've tried playing it...and I absolutely suck. Do you know why I suck? Because I can play REAL GUITAR!!! My fingers naturally want to move where I know the notes should be coming from...not to the blue button and then the red button and then the green button for a super power up. There are no super power ups in real guitar. You know what you get when you shred a nasty solo with a real guitar? You get chicks...and money (if you play in an awesome band). Chicks and money. What do you get when you push a few buttons in the right order to a background track that someone else actually recorded? Points. POINTS!!! What fucking real life purpose do points serve?!?!?! Next time you're playing this game, try something for me. Turn off the volume on the TV....know what you'll hear? Nothing but the clicking of plastic buttons. You can beat the game with the volume off, because all you need to do is watch the pattern on screen and hit the right button at the right time!!! You're not actually playing a song!!! You're pushing buttons to a moving pattern of colored circles!!! Turn off the amp on your buddy who's playing real guitar...know what you'll hear? You'll still hear him playing guitar cuz he's actually playing a real fucking guitar!!! When you beat Through the Fire and the Flames on expert difficulty in GHIII, all you've proven is that you can push buttons really fast. You haven't proven that you can actually play Through the Fire and the Flames, which is fucking impossible to play on real guitar unless you are actually one of the guitar players from Dragonforce. You don't even need the plastic guitar to play this game...you could play it with the regular 360 or PS3 controller...because, as I said before...you're just pushing fucking buttons!!! How lazy have we become as a society that people would rather play video game guitar than learn real guitar?!?! "Congratulations! You beat Guitar Hero! You. Are. FAGS!!!" (Quote: South Park)

Ok, I'm done ranting. Time to go play some Heroin Hero.

Take this quiz...the answers will surprise you

If you don't know the answer, make your best guess. Answer all the questions before looking at the answers.

Who said it?

1) "We're going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good."
A. Karl Marx
B. Adolph Hitler
C. Joseph Stalin
D. None of the above

2) "It's time for a new beginning, for an end to government of the
few, by the few, and for the few...and to replace it with shared
responsibility for shared prosperity."
A. Lenin
B. Mussolini
C. Idi Amin
D. None of the Above

3) "(We)...can't just let business as usual go on, and that means
something has to be taken away from some people."
A. Nikita Khrushev
B. Jose f Goebbels
C. Boris Yeltsin
D. None of the above

4) "We have to build a political consensus and that requires people to
give up a little bit of their own...in order to create this common
ground."
A. Mao Tse Dung
B. Hugo Chavez
C. Kim Jong Il
D. None of the above

5) "I certainly think the free-market has failed."
A. Karl Marx
B. Lenin
C. Molotov
D. None of the above

6) "I think it's time to send a clear message to what has become the
most profitable sector in (the) entire economy that they are being
watched."
A. Pinochet
B. Milosevic
C. Saddam Hussein
D. None of the above

Answers:
(1) D. None of the above. Statement made by Hillary Clinton 6/29/04
(2) D. None of the above. Statement made by Hillary Clinton 5/29/07
(3) D. None of the above. Statement made by Hillary Clinton 6/4/07
(4) D. None of the above. Statement made by Hillary Clinton 6/4/07
(5) D. None of the above. Statement made by Hillary Clinton 6/4/07
(6) D. None of the above. Statement made by Hillary Clinton 9/2/05

Be afraid. Be very, very afraid!

America the Unselfish

Got this in an email...some very good stories:


Yes, we're an imperfect country...and some of the media delights in that, pointing it out to us repeatedly. But here's a pleasant read about America and our unselfish motives around the world. Enjoy.

***************

When in England at a large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush.

He answered by saying, "Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return."

It became very quiet in the room.

**************

Then there was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break one of the French engineers came back into the room saying "Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?"

A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: "Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck.. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?"

Once again, dead silence.

***************

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, 'whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe its because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German'

You could have heard a pin drop!

Bragging Doctors

I got this in an email today and just had to post it...enjoy!


A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That's nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks."

A British doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected by saying, "You guys are way behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains and half a heart, and send her to Washington where she will become President, and then half the country will be looking for work in one week!"

Rudy Guiliani's Push to Save America

Terrorist Alerts of Western European Nations

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It 's not only the English and French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Someone Is Stealing Money Out Of My Paycheck, And I Think It's The Government

Have you ever bothered to calculate how much money the government actually takes out of your paycheck per year in taxes? Well I did, and I think you should too, because it will totally change the way you think about how this country should work. I was looking at my pay stub today, and noticed that I get a dickload of money taken out in taxes every week. Approximately $440 dollars is the amount of that weekly dickload. That's a pretty big dickload, isn't it? I mean, I always look at my pay stub to see if there's anything unusual on it, but I never actually bothered to compare the amount of taxes I pay to how much I'm left with afterwards. I was bored, so I thought to myself, "I wonder what percentage of my total pay Uncle Sam takes from me per year?" I did some calculations, and I figured out that the government takes 34.288% of my paycheck per year. Holy shit! HOLY SHIT! That's a lot of money...MY fuckin' money! I didn't give them permission to take that much money from me! No one from the government ever came to me and said, "Ok, Chris, we're gonna take about 35% of your paycheck, and you can keep 65%...is that cool with you?" Where the hell does my 35% go? I'll tell you where it goes. It goes to old and broken social programs, like welfare. The fact that we still have a welfare program is just fuckin' insane...and socialist! Really...the welfare program is socialism at its best. They take your money without asking you and give it to poor people who are too lazy/stupid/drugged out/etc. to go get a job or stay in school. All the bleeding heart weenies out there try to fool themselves by saying that it's not the welfare recipients' fault that they live in a ghetto or a trailer park and they have no money or job. Oh really? It's not their fault? Well who's fault is it? Mine? My parents'? My dog's? I don't know these fuckin' people on welfare, and it's not my fault that they turned to drugs or gangs and dropped out of school and just became waste products. Why should I, or any other hard working American have to bear the burden of stupid peoples' mistakes by having part of our tax money go to the welfare program? We shouldn't have to...it's ridiculous! If you're stupid enough to think that it's a good idea to drop out of school and join a gang, or to start making heroin use a daily festivity with your friends, then it's your own fuckin' fault that you're poor and have no job. Go fuck yourself!

People's response to cutting off welfare is usually, "Oh how could you do that to them...that's so mean...we'd have tons of homeless people running around if you cut off welfare." Well...we don't have to have tons of homeless people running around if we cut off welfare...because I have a solution. First, we kick out all of the illegal immigrants. Second, we convert all welfare offices and employees to the JET Force (Job Enforcement Task Force). Since the JET Force is just all the welfare system employees under a different name, they'll have the records of where all welfare recipients live. So, we send JET Force officers (oh by the way, creating the JET Force also creates new jobs, because we'll need officers to actually do the enforcing) to the welfare recipients' houses, and we grab them by the ears and drag them out of their houses and give them the jobs that all the illegal immigrants we kicked out used to have. It makes more sense to have a legal US citizen mowing my lawn than an illegal one. Since all these welfare recipients will have jobs, we won't have to pay them my money and your money in the form of a welfare check anymore. We can cut off welfare, and keep that money for ourselves to spend and invest. But of course, that will never happen because everyone in America has turned into a bleeding heart pussy. "It's too mean," everyone will say. "You'll hurt the illegal immigrants feelings if you kick them out," they'll say. "The welfare recipients have been out of the workforce for too long, and they won't be able to do a good job at work," they'll say. You know what I say? Fuck off, grow a pair, stop bein' a fag, and start making people take responsibility for their own actions and their own lives.

Wow...sorry for that rant about welfare...I don't know how I got into that when I only wanted to rant about high taxes. Soooooo yeah...taxes. I was gonna talk about that. Well they're too high. They should only exist to pay for public works projects (roads, water mains, bridges, etc.), military and government officials' salaries, and fighting global Islamic terrorism. Making me pay for things like welfare is just unacceptable (sorry...couldn't help but mention that again). We should also migrate to a flat income tax of 10% for everyone...none of this tax bracket nonsense. If the government cut spending on unnecessary programs (like welfare) and made a 10% flat tax, then all of us would actually get to keep more of the money we work hard for so that we can invest it in things. If all Americans had more money to invest and spend on things, the economy would become stronger because there would be more money circulating around the country at a more steady and healthy pace. But as usual, this makes way too much sense, so the government will never do it. They'll just keep taking our money and spending it on stupid things. And if Hillary Clinton should ever become president (God forbid), you can kiss even more of your money good-bye. That 34.288% will skyrocket to 50% or more. That's how she'll pay for her "universal health care" nonsense. My grandparents went up to Canada on a trip last week (they have universal health care up there), and were shocked when they got a glass of cheap wine and it cost $18. They noticed on their bill that the sales tax was 14%. When they asked the waiter why it was so high, he said it's because that's how their government pays for the universal health care plan...they raised the sales tax to 14%. I saw a Canadian commercial on YouTube one time that was making fun of how high their taxes are, and it said their income was being taxed to the tune of somewhere around 60% when they included all the government programs that needed to be paid for. That's just evil. So Hillary wants us all to pay for each other's health care like in Canada? Yeah, fuck that. I also read today that she wants to give every newborn baby in America a $5,000 savings bond, so that the family can save it and let it earn interest to help pay for college, yet she has no plans for actually enforcing that it be used for college. This plan would cost $20 billion in its first year alone. You know who pays that $20 billion? Yep, you guessed it. Me and you...Joe Taxpayer. If you vote for her, I hope you're an extremely generous person, because every 30 seconds, when a baby is born in America, your bank account will be taking a hit to pay for those $5,000 savings bonds. I love how she just wants to take our money and hand it out to everyone. Gee, I wonder if she's a socialist? Whatever...I'm not trying to blatantly persuade anyone to vote one way or the other...I'm just trying to prepare you ahead of time for how much money you aren't going to have if Hillary Clinton becomes president. I'll say it one more time so it sinks in...take my word for it...if Hillary Clinton becomes president, taxes will be so high that you will have considerably less money to freely spend than you do now. If you're gonna vote for a democrat...fine...but for the sake of our taxes...don't vote for her.

Things That Happened While You Were Busy Worrying About Paris Hilton Being in Jail

1. You lost your virginity to Nick Lachey (girls)/Jessica Biel (guys)....although I don't know what guy would worry about Paris Hilton besides a gay guy...in that case...Nick Lachey.
   
2. Lindsay Lohan finally stopped doing drugs and is becoming a nun.
3. We finally nuked the Middle East, and have completely gotten rid of all those pesky terrorists.
4. You mysteriously got herpes...in your nose.
5. Britney Spears finally revealed why she acts so crazy...it's because she's a crab person.
6. Someone finally figured out how to end Lost.
7. That slice of pizza you left on your desk last week grew limbs and genitals and had sex with the half-eaten donut in your garbage to make a race of super pizza-donuts called ponuts that now comprise 40% of the population of America and are demanding social security benefits.
8. We invented flying cars and light speed engines, and now travel around the galaxy like in Star Wars.
9. iPods went out of style...and carrying an oversized boom-box on your shoulder came back in style.
10. Jesus finally came back to Earth, said what's up, and then left in a hurry after he saw Rosie O'Donnell's face on the news.
11. Global warming was determined to be hoax created by two third graders in Montana.
    
12. Scientists found a cure for cancer and AIDS...but unfortunately couldn't find one for that herpes in your nose.
13. Aliens came down to Earth and gave you an anal probe...and then Scott Baio gave you pink eye.
    
14. The dramatic chipmunk/squirrel won an Oscar for his role in the remake of Gone with the Wind.
15. Paris Hilton DIED!
    

Here I Sit, Lonely Hearted; Tried To Shit, But Only Farted...

Have you ever sprinted at Mach 1 to the bathroom because you suddenly got that "I have to shit right now or I'm gonna go in my pants" feeling, only to be disappointed when it turns out to be a false alarm? That happened to me twice today at work. It's fucking frustrating when that happens. Any girls reading this will probably be grossed out, but all the guys are thinkin' to themselves, "Yeah man, I fucking hate when that happens." I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach that made me think I was about to have a release of Mount St. Helen's proportions, so I dropped what I was doing and ran to the bathroom. When I sat down on the bowl...nothing...just a fart. An odorless, unsatisfying fart. I didn't even get the pleasure of basking in the smelliness of my own brand...and on top of that...there wasn't even a second fart to keep the first fart company...'twas a lonely fart indeed! Oh well...I figured I'd have more success later. About two hours later I got that feeling again. I hustled to the bathroom expecting to walk out feeling like a new man, but no. Nothing again. I didn't even get the tiny bit of satisfaction a fart would have given me. I was duped again by my stomach. Oh why stomach! Why do you torture me so with grandiose expectations of awesome shits that would leave me two pounds lighter and feeling refreshed and revitalized!!! WHYYYYY!!!

Douche-bags at the Gym

Have you ever taken the time to observe how many douche-bags there are at the gym? I have. I've noticed that there are several different kinds of douche-bags that sweat pure douche-ness from their pores. But before I describe a few kinds of the douche-bags I've noticed, I'll first describe their 3 major traits as a species:

1. They travel both in groups and by themselves. When douche-bags travel in groups, it is usually with no more than 3 or 4 people. When traveling by himself, a lone douche-bag will often find a larger group of douche-bags to hang around and talk to. This allows him to alert others, "stay away...I'm a douche-bag too."
2. They are highly territorial. Gym douche-bags always congregate in the same general area; and that area is always the section of the gym containing dumb bells, 45 pound plates, and benches. If you want to avoid any contact with gym douche-bags, I suggest you stick to the cable machine and cardio area. They have rarely been observed doing cardio...some scientists believe it can actually kill them.
3. 99% of the time, gym douche-bags are guidos. I know what you're thinking...those stupid hair cuts! Yes...we all hate the guido blow-out hair cut...but a rant about guidos is best saved for another day. Unfortunately for us normal people, anytime you see someone at the gym with a guido blow-out hair cut and a ridiculously fake tan, he is most likely a gym douche-bag, and should be avoided at all costs.

Now I will describe for you the 3 most apparent douche-bags I've spotted at my gym. Two of these are individual people, and one is an actual group of people. I'll start with the group of douche-bags first:

1. I like to call this group "the bicep club." They are prevalent in their largest numbers anywhere between 4:00 pm and 7:00 pm, which suggests they probably come straight from work. They are also mostly guidos. They completely occupy the free weight area, emanating douche-ness and polluting the area. The reason I have named them "the bicep club" is because they feel that it's necessary to flex in the mirror after every set they do. They don't try to make it look discrete either. They do long, obvious flexes in the mirror, which wastes the time of the normal people waiting to use the dumb bells. Seriously guys, how full of yourselves are you that you have to flex in front of everyone at the gym? Get a life and grow a pair...that is of course, if your pair hasn't already shriveled away from all the steroids you probably do.
2. Next is one of the individual douche-bags I've seen occupying my gym with his meaningless existence. He suffers from what I like to call, "chicken leg syndrome." He is one of those d-bags who only works out his upper body, and completely neglects his legs. Therefore his upper body is massively huge and ripped, but his legs are scrawny and disproportionate to the rest of his body, hence the name "chicken leg syndrome." He also walks around with that "I'm so huge, I'm better than all of you weaklings" walk. It is a slow walk, where his arms sway slowly from side-to-side in a deliberately douche-baggish manner as his head slowly pans the gym looking for other douche-bags for him to go hang out with. You could easily beat this guy in a fight by kicking him in the shin, because it would probably shatter into 10 pieces.
3. The last individual douche-bag that takes up space at my gym is probably an even bigger douche-bag than the bicep club and the chicken leg syndrome guy combined. This is not because of anything he says or does...but because HE WEARS SUNGLASSES IN THE FUCKING GYM!!! I mean seriously...who wears sunglasses inside a gym, let alone inside any enclosed structure!!! It just isn't necessary!!! I've seen this guy take the glasses off for a few seconds too, and his eyes don't look fucked up like he has some condition where his eyes are sensitive to light! He's just a complete fucking douche-bag!!! To top off his douche-ness, he's a guido!!! He's not a young guido, though. He's clearly in his 30's, but insists on the spiky guido hair cut (his isn't a complete blow-out though). He doesn't even wear gym clothes when he works out (mesh shorts, sneakers, ratty t-shirt, etc.)!!! He wears boots, khaki cargo pants, and a t-shirt with the sleeves cut off. The sleeveless t-shirt is the only appropriate piece of gym attire he wears!!! If he wasn't a guido, his wearing of sunglasses inside the gym wouldn't make him look like a douche-bag, it would just make him look like a weirdo. Who does this guy think he is? Cyclops from the X-men? Does he have Wolverine and Storm waiting in the car so they can go fuck up Magneto? I don't know why you do it, but seriously dude...you don't look cool with those sunglasses on inside the gym...you look like an asshole. Take off the fuckin' sun glasses! Nobody likes you and your parents don't love you. You are they epitome of a douche-bag, and if that's not something to be damn proud of, then I don't know what is!

Hopefully this tirade has inspired all of you to keep a vigilant watch for any douche-bags that may be infecting your gym with their douche-ness. I give you this warning though: do not provoke the douche-bags. If provoked, their roid-rage may cause them to lash out and hurt someone.

Disclaimer: Chris Bell and the For Whom the Bell Tolls blog will not be held responsible for the actions of the reader should he/she decide to provoke a gym douche-bag, especially if said actions result in any injury to the reader or other innocent bystanders.

The Gypsy Carts at the Mall

So me and my brother, Kevin, were walking around Paramus Park mall yesterday to get our dad a birthday present. As you all know, most malls in America have the center of their corridors lined with those litter carts where people sell cheap jewelry, cell phone accessories, hair products, and other useless crap...I like to call them "gypsy carts." We walked past one of those gypsy carts that had four really hot girls standing around it. I knew that if I violated the number one rule for not being bothered by one of the gypsy cart people (which is to not make eye contact), that we'd be screwed. But since one of the girls was wearing this really really short skirt...actually, I wouldn't even call it a skirt...it was more like a sk, maybe even just an s...I couldn't help but look. Sure enough she caught me, and snagged me and Kevin by asking us how old we were. Then she rambled on about some sort of free modeling contract audition, but I didn't catch it all because she had an accent. We said no and just walked away. I should have told her that since I'm so hot, it wouldn't be fair to the other applicants if I applied because they'd have no chance. Then some other gypsy cart lady tried the old "excuse me would you like to try this hand cream" bit. Kevin's answer was hilarious, yet provocative. He said, "No thanks, we're kinda busy." I couldn't stop laughing because all we were doing was walking...in no way did we look busy or in any sort of a hurry.

So I have a message for all you gypsy cart gypsies. LEAVE US THE FUCK ALONE!!! If we want to buy something from your little cart...we'll come ask you. Don't try to lure us in with hot girls in sk's, or annoying ladies that jump out from behind the cart like ninjas and try to get you to "try this amazing hand cream" or this "amazing herbal heating pad" or the "magic wrinkle getter-outer for clothes." If I think the stuff on your cart looks interesting, then I'll come poke around. If it doesn't, then I'm going to keep on walking...and being busy. Any business school will tell you that hassling passers-by to no end is not a good business model...all it will do is drive people away because you're being annoying. I shouldn't have to walk through the mall staring at the floor or at the store windows, and risk slamming into the fat Mexican lady pushing a baby carriage full of 6 screaming babies because I'm not looking in front of me, just to avoid eye contact with you so I don't have to hear your shitty sales pitch. I would love nothing more than to drive a monster truck down the center of the mall and crush all of your stupid gypsy carts.

An Open Letter to George Steinbrenner

Dear Georgie,

Based on your team's performance so far this season, I hope you've realized that money can't buy you a World Series victory. Please stop hiring old players just because they are famous and you can afford to pay them a lot of money. It's not working. They have no hustle, and don't care about playing hard, because they'll get their millions of dollars even if they lose. Maybe you should consider getting rid of the senior citizens on your team and getting some energetic young guys to replace them...young guys that actually play hard, hustle after the ball, swing at strikes, and actually like playing with each other. Also, as much as I love Joe Torre, you need to get rid of him. He's just not working anymore. Hire someone that isn't a statue on the bench like Torre is. Hire someone with some life to him who'll be able to inspire the players to work with each other and play like a team that actually wants to get to the World Series. Hire someone who rants and raves at bad calls so that you know he actually cares about the outcome of the game. Lou Pinella maybe? I know "Georgie's gettin' angry!!" So please take my advice to fix this problem.

Thank you,
Chris Bell

My Plan for Cars to Get Better Gas Mileage

I'm baaaaaaack. Well...I'm finally done with school forever, and while I was sitting in traffic today during my last morning commute to Manhattan College, I had an awesome idea for how to improve gas mileage. I personally think it's a pretty cool idea, not just because we are living in the times of the great global warming debate, but just because everyone loves getting good gas mileage...and because my idea involves something that can be fun for everyone. I'll give you a hint: it involves NASCAR. Hang on! Don't click the X at the top right of the screen! Just because I mentioned global warming and NASCAR doesn't mean I'm going on some crazy rant...my idea is actually kind of cool...and I swear it really only has to do with gas mileage...so just hear me out.

Ok...now I came up with this idea while I sat in traffic and came to the realization that people lack the ability to drive at highway speeds (65-80 mph) in large, closely packed groups of cars. When there's a lot of people on the road, everyone just mopes along, and as a result, everyone's gas mileage suffers, as well as everyone's sanity. So...I propose that everyone...and I mean everyone (yes, even you, Asian lady talking on your cell phone)...goes to NASCAR driving school. I mean, who else would be better to learn from than NASCAR drivers? Those guys can go 160+ mph in a pack of 40 cars with mere inches between each car. Sure...they crash a lot, but that's because they're constantly going in a circle. Now you're probably wondering how taking NASCAR driving lessons would help gas mileage, so I'll get to my point. In NASCAR there is a technique called drafting, in which one car gets behind another car, and follows it as closely as possible, therefore inserting itself into the air pocket behind the lead car. Getting into the air pocket behind the lead car means that the rear car is not experiencing any wind resistance. This is helpful in races because it allows the car in the air pocket to go faster due to the lack of wind resistance, and then eventually slingshot himself around the lead car. This driving technique would be helpful for driving a regular street car because the lack of wind resistance in the air pocket allows the car in the pocket to get better gas mileage. So think about this plan now. We get everyone to go to NASCAR sanctioned driving schools...and we all learn how to move our asses in tightly packed groups of cars, and we all learn to how to draft. Once we get everyone drafting each other, you could potentially have a line of cars 20 cars long all drafting one another and getting great gas mileage! Your car that gets 25 mpg could possibly get 35 mpg or maybe even 40 mpg! How fuckin' sweet would that be? Think of all the gas you wouldn't have to waste money on! There would be no traffic during morning commutes either, because no one will be creeping along...everyone will be movin' their ass to the tune of 65-80 mph, and they won't be afraid to do so because they learned from the best of the best!

Some of you may be wondering, "Hey Chris...how do you know that less wind resistance means you get better gas mileage?" Well...seeing as how I have a bachelor's and master's degree in mechanical engineering...I know these kinds of things. In aerodynamics, we learn that the purpose of making cars more aerodynamic and sleek is so that they have a lower drag coefficient (which means they experience less wind resistance). Theoretically, the lower a car's drag coefficient, the faster it can go while still getting decent gas mileage. Most car manufacturers design their cars so that you get the best gas mileage at 65 mph, which is the highest possible highway speed allowed by law in the majority of the country. Once you go faster than 65 mph, your gas mileage begins to take a turn for the worse. Applied to my drafting plan, the zero wind resistance experienced in the air pocket behind the lead car means your car's drag coefficient essentially becomes zero (meaning it has no drag), due to the fact that the air pocket is essentially a vacuum (meaning it lacks air).

So there ya go! That's my plan to increase gas mileage on everyone's car without any major technological overhauls. Take that Exxon/Mobil/Sunoco/BP/Hess/Lukoil/Iraq/Iran/Saudi Arabia/Kuwait/Venezuela! Now it's our turn to screw you guys over by making your profits lower! Seriously though...I know that my plan is a little out in left field, and since it doesn't concern reducing emissions, it will probably never affect global warming (if it really does exist), but honestly...is it any crazier than telling people that it's ok to pollute as long you buy some bull-shit carbon offsets?

I'm a busy dude

Okay...I know I haven't posted anything in a while, and that the point of a blog is to post things frequently....but I have a ton of shit to do, so BACK OFF!!! Sorry bout that little explosion there. But I do have a ton of shit to do before the end of my last semester of school ever...so when I'm done with all of that I'll start posing regularly again.

Roger Clemens is comin' back to the Yankees!!!!

Literally two minutes ago, as I was watching the Yankees game, the YES network cut off a commercial to come back to the game with none other than Roger Clemens making an announcement from the owner's booth that he is coming back to New York!!! How fuckin' awesome is that!!! Finally the Yankees will have some good pitching to fill in for all of the injuries to their pitching staff, and to cover for the waste of money that Carl Pavano was. Maybe once he comes back, the Yankees will be able to play like the Yankees again...hell maybe even they'll make it to the World Series this year. They certainly have the batting line-up and the fielding to make it happen...they just need to get their pitching staff in order. Hopefully the addition of Clemens to Pettitte, Wang, Igawa, Mussina, and Hughes (after his hamstring heals) will bolster their starting staff enough so that the bullpen (which isn't very good) doesn't have to carry so much of the weight.

The War in Iraq: A Soldier's Perspective

This video was made by U.S. Army Specialist Colby Buzzell, and details the events of a battle that he was in during his tour in Iraq. He animated a series of his own drawings (which are amazing) to tell the story. The video doesn't get all political about the war, nor am I going to start getting political about it in this post. I just though it was a very well done video. It was interesting to see what a soldier's perspective is on what's going on over there. Sometimes it's better to get the story straight from the horse's mouth, than to see it on a news station that is going to slant it to match their particular viewpoint. I've watched a ton of soldier submitted video footage from Iraq on YouTube. All you have to do on YouTube is search for "Iraq videos" or "Iraq footage" or something like that, and a plethora of videos will come up. They are all really cool to watch, because you get to see exactly what goes on, how the soldiers go about everything, and what the outcome is. After watching a bunch of the soldier's videos, I personally think it's going a lot better over there than what the media and Democrats tell us...again...they have their own agenda to push, but actual footage submitted by the soldiers is unbiased because...well...because it's submitted by them. However, no matter what your view on the war is, you have to give the soldiers infinite amounts of respect for the shit they deal with everyday over there so all of us here in the States don't have to. Here is the video:

The War In Iraq: A Soldiers Perspective - Brought to you by Break.com Video Search

My first blog post in the history of ever!

Hooray! I made a blog! Awesome job, Chris! Hey, thanks dude!

Well...I don't have much to write yet, but I can assure you there will be many rants and random thoughts to come. I gotta give thanks to the whitest Indian kid I know (Dave Patel) for helping me come up with the name for my blog. I seriously sat around for like an hour trying to think of a clever name and was coming up with squat. So I IM'ed Dave and asked him to help me out, and he suggested thinking of a play on words with my last name (Bell). We had all sorts of silly ideas like "Chris Rings His Bell" or "Ringing the Bell with Chris Bell" or "Ring My Bell." Then I came up with calling it "Saved By the Bell," you know, like the early 90's TV show. Zack Morris was the man...THE MAN...a natural born pimp. He still got a ton of chicks even with that excessively large "Zack Morris cell phone." I personally thought Slater was a douche bag. But I digress... So then I thought of other popular phrases with the word Bell in it, and immediately thought of For Whom the Bell Tolls (a classic Metallica song). We decided that to be the most kick-ass name of all the ones we thought of, so I typed it into Blogger and made it so. Now watch...I'm gonna get a letter from Lars Ulrich of Metallica telling me to change the name of my blog or he's gonna sue me like he did Napster. Hey Lars...leave the law to the law makers and stick to playing drums...it's the only thing you're good at.