It was a full house...

I tried to take a shit today at work, and every stall was taken. All three stalls in the main bathroom were full; the cleaning lady was cleaning the other bathroom; and two dudes were dumping in the third bathroom. What the fuck! Get out of the bathroom, cleaning lady! Clean after everyone goes home! I need to take shit, and that's more urgent than you cleaning the bathroom at 10:30am!!!

Here I Sit, Lonely Hearted; Tried To Shit, But Only Farted...

Have you ever sprinted at Mach 1 to the bathroom because you suddenly got that "I have to shit right now or I'm gonna go in my pants" feeling, only to be disappointed when it turns out to be a false alarm? That happened to me twice today at work. It's fucking frustrating when that happens. Any girls reading this will probably be grossed out, but all the guys are thinkin' to themselves, "Yeah man, I fucking hate when that happens." I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach that made me think I was about to have a release of Mount St. Helen's proportions, so I dropped what I was doing and ran to the bathroom. When I sat down on the bowl...nothing...just a fart. An odorless, unsatisfying fart. I didn't even get the pleasure of basking in the smelliness of my own brand...and on top of that...there wasn't even a second fart to keep the first fart company...'twas a lonely fart indeed! Oh well...I figured I'd have more success later. About two hours later I got that feeling again. I hustled to the bathroom expecting to walk out feeling like a new man, but no. Nothing again. I didn't even get the tiny bit of satisfaction a fart would have given me. I was duped again by my stomach. Oh why stomach! Why do you torture me so with grandiose expectations of awesome shits that would leave me two pounds lighter and feeling refreshed and revitalized!!! WHYYYYY!!!