Things That Happened While You Were Busy Worrying About Paris Hilton Being in Jail

1. You lost your virginity to Nick Lachey (girls)/Jessica Biel (guys)....although I don't know what guy would worry about Paris Hilton besides a gay guy...in that case...Nick Lachey.
   
2. Lindsay Lohan finally stopped doing drugs and is becoming a nun.
3. We finally nuked the Middle East, and have completely gotten rid of all those pesky terrorists.
4. You mysteriously got herpes...in your nose.
5. Britney Spears finally revealed why she acts so crazy...it's because she's a crab person.
6. Someone finally figured out how to end Lost.
7. That slice of pizza you left on your desk last week grew limbs and genitals and had sex with the half-eaten donut in your garbage to make a race of super pizza-donuts called ponuts that now comprise 40% of the population of America and are demanding social security benefits.
8. We invented flying cars and light speed engines, and now travel around the galaxy like in Star Wars.
9. iPods went out of style...and carrying an oversized boom-box on your shoulder came back in style.
10. Jesus finally came back to Earth, said what's up, and then left in a hurry after he saw Rosie O'Donnell's face on the news.
11. Global warming was determined to be hoax created by two third graders in Montana.
    
12. Scientists found a cure for cancer and AIDS...but unfortunately couldn't find one for that herpes in your nose.
13. Aliens came down to Earth and gave you an anal probe...and then Scott Baio gave you pink eye.
    
14. The dramatic chipmunk/squirrel won an Oscar for his role in the remake of Gone with the Wind.
15. Paris Hilton DIED!
    

Here I Sit, Lonely Hearted; Tried To Shit, But Only Farted...

Have you ever sprinted at Mach 1 to the bathroom because you suddenly got that "I have to shit right now or I'm gonna go in my pants" feeling, only to be disappointed when it turns out to be a false alarm? That happened to me twice today at work. It's fucking frustrating when that happens. Any girls reading this will probably be grossed out, but all the guys are thinkin' to themselves, "Yeah man, I fucking hate when that happens." I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach that made me think I was about to have a release of Mount St. Helen's proportions, so I dropped what I was doing and ran to the bathroom. When I sat down on the bowl...nothing...just a fart. An odorless, unsatisfying fart. I didn't even get the pleasure of basking in the smelliness of my own brand...and on top of that...there wasn't even a second fart to keep the first fart company...'twas a lonely fart indeed! Oh well...I figured I'd have more success later. About two hours later I got that feeling again. I hustled to the bathroom expecting to walk out feeling like a new man, but no. Nothing again. I didn't even get the tiny bit of satisfaction a fart would have given me. I was duped again by my stomach. Oh why stomach! Why do you torture me so with grandiose expectations of awesome shits that would leave me two pounds lighter and feeling refreshed and revitalized!!! WHYYYYY!!!

Douche-bags at the Gym

Have you ever taken the time to observe how many douche-bags there are at the gym? I have. I've noticed that there are several different kinds of douche-bags that sweat pure douche-ness from their pores. But before I describe a few kinds of the douche-bags I've noticed, I'll first describe their 3 major traits as a species:

1. They travel both in groups and by themselves. When douche-bags travel in groups, it is usually with no more than 3 or 4 people. When traveling by himself, a lone douche-bag will often find a larger group of douche-bags to hang around and talk to. This allows him to alert others, "stay away...I'm a douche-bag too."
2. They are highly territorial. Gym douche-bags always congregate in the same general area; and that area is always the section of the gym containing dumb bells, 45 pound plates, and benches. If you want to avoid any contact with gym douche-bags, I suggest you stick to the cable machine and cardio area. They have rarely been observed doing cardio...some scientists believe it can actually kill them.
3. 99% of the time, gym douche-bags are guidos. I know what you're thinking...those stupid hair cuts! Yes...we all hate the guido blow-out hair cut...but a rant about guidos is best saved for another day. Unfortunately for us normal people, anytime you see someone at the gym with a guido blow-out hair cut and a ridiculously fake tan, he is most likely a gym douche-bag, and should be avoided at all costs.

Now I will describe for you the 3 most apparent douche-bags I've spotted at my gym. Two of these are individual people, and one is an actual group of people. I'll start with the group of douche-bags first:

1. I like to call this group "the bicep club." They are prevalent in their largest numbers anywhere between 4:00 pm and 7:00 pm, which suggests they probably come straight from work. They are also mostly guidos. They completely occupy the free weight area, emanating douche-ness and polluting the area. The reason I have named them "the bicep club" is because they feel that it's necessary to flex in the mirror after every set they do. They don't try to make it look discrete either. They do long, obvious flexes in the mirror, which wastes the time of the normal people waiting to use the dumb bells. Seriously guys, how full of yourselves are you that you have to flex in front of everyone at the gym? Get a life and grow a pair...that is of course, if your pair hasn't already shriveled away from all the steroids you probably do.
2. Next is one of the individual douche-bags I've seen occupying my gym with his meaningless existence. He suffers from what I like to call, "chicken leg syndrome." He is one of those d-bags who only works out his upper body, and completely neglects his legs. Therefore his upper body is massively huge and ripped, but his legs are scrawny and disproportionate to the rest of his body, hence the name "chicken leg syndrome." He also walks around with that "I'm so huge, I'm better than all of you weaklings" walk. It is a slow walk, where his arms sway slowly from side-to-side in a deliberately douche-baggish manner as his head slowly pans the gym looking for other douche-bags for him to go hang out with. You could easily beat this guy in a fight by kicking him in the shin, because it would probably shatter into 10 pieces.
3. The last individual douche-bag that takes up space at my gym is probably an even bigger douche-bag than the bicep club and the chicken leg syndrome guy combined. This is not because of anything he says or does...but because HE WEARS SUNGLASSES IN THE FUCKING GYM!!! I mean seriously...who wears sunglasses inside a gym, let alone inside any enclosed structure!!! It just isn't necessary!!! I've seen this guy take the glasses off for a few seconds too, and his eyes don't look fucked up like he has some condition where his eyes are sensitive to light! He's just a complete fucking douche-bag!!! To top off his douche-ness, he's a guido!!! He's not a young guido, though. He's clearly in his 30's, but insists on the spiky guido hair cut (his isn't a complete blow-out though). He doesn't even wear gym clothes when he works out (mesh shorts, sneakers, ratty t-shirt, etc.)!!! He wears boots, khaki cargo pants, and a t-shirt with the sleeves cut off. The sleeveless t-shirt is the only appropriate piece of gym attire he wears!!! If he wasn't a guido, his wearing of sunglasses inside the gym wouldn't make him look like a douche-bag, it would just make him look like a weirdo. Who does this guy think he is? Cyclops from the X-men? Does he have Wolverine and Storm waiting in the car so they can go fuck up Magneto? I don't know why you do it, but seriously dude...you don't look cool with those sunglasses on inside the gym...you look like an asshole. Take off the fuckin' sun glasses! Nobody likes you and your parents don't love you. You are they epitome of a douche-bag, and if that's not something to be damn proud of, then I don't know what is!

Hopefully this tirade has inspired all of you to keep a vigilant watch for any douche-bags that may be infecting your gym with their douche-ness. I give you this warning though: do not provoke the douche-bags. If provoked, their roid-rage may cause them to lash out and hurt someone.

Disclaimer: Chris Bell and the For Whom the Bell Tolls blog will not be held responsible for the actions of the reader should he/she decide to provoke a gym douche-bag, especially if said actions result in any injury to the reader or other innocent bystanders.