The Gypsy Carts at the Mall

So me and my brother, Kevin, were walking around Paramus Park mall yesterday to get our dad a birthday present. As you all know, most malls in America have the center of their corridors lined with those litter carts where people sell cheap jewelry, cell phone accessories, hair products, and other useless crap...I like to call them "gypsy carts." We walked past one of those gypsy carts that had four really hot girls standing around it. I knew that if I violated the number one rule for not being bothered by one of the gypsy cart people (which is to not make eye contact), that we'd be screwed. But since one of the girls was wearing this really really short skirt...actually, I wouldn't even call it a skirt...it was more like a sk, maybe even just an s...I couldn't help but look. Sure enough she caught me, and snagged me and Kevin by asking us how old we were. Then she rambled on about some sort of free modeling contract audition, but I didn't catch it all because she had an accent. We said no and just walked away. I should have told her that since I'm so hot, it wouldn't be fair to the other applicants if I applied because they'd have no chance. Then some other gypsy cart lady tried the old "excuse me would you like to try this hand cream" bit. Kevin's answer was hilarious, yet provocative. He said, "No thanks, we're kinda busy." I couldn't stop laughing because all we were doing was walking...in no way did we look busy or in any sort of a hurry.

So I have a message for all you gypsy cart gypsies. LEAVE US THE FUCK ALONE!!! If we want to buy something from your little cart...we'll come ask you. Don't try to lure us in with hot girls in sk's, or annoying ladies that jump out from behind the cart like ninjas and try to get you to "try this amazing hand cream" or this "amazing herbal heating pad" or the "magic wrinkle getter-outer for clothes." If I think the stuff on your cart looks interesting, then I'll come poke around. If it doesn't, then I'm going to keep on walking...and being busy. Any business school will tell you that hassling passers-by to no end is not a good business model...all it will do is drive people away because you're being annoying. I shouldn't have to walk through the mall staring at the floor or at the store windows, and risk slamming into the fat Mexican lady pushing a baby carriage full of 6 screaming babies because I'm not looking in front of me, just to avoid eye contact with you so I don't have to hear your shitty sales pitch. I would love nothing more than to drive a monster truck down the center of the mall and crush all of your stupid gypsy carts.

An Open Letter to George Steinbrenner

Dear Georgie,

Based on your team's performance so far this season, I hope you've realized that money can't buy you a World Series victory. Please stop hiring old players just because they are famous and you can afford to pay them a lot of money. It's not working. They have no hustle, and don't care about playing hard, because they'll get their millions of dollars even if they lose. Maybe you should consider getting rid of the senior citizens on your team and getting some energetic young guys to replace them...young guys that actually play hard, hustle after the ball, swing at strikes, and actually like playing with each other. Also, as much as I love Joe Torre, you need to get rid of him. He's just not working anymore. Hire someone that isn't a statue on the bench like Torre is. Hire someone with some life to him who'll be able to inspire the players to work with each other and play like a team that actually wants to get to the World Series. Hire someone who rants and raves at bad calls so that you know he actually cares about the outcome of the game. Lou Pinella maybe? I know "Georgie's gettin' angry!!" So please take my advice to fix this problem.

Thank you,
Chris Bell

My Plan for Cars to Get Better Gas Mileage

I'm baaaaaaack. Well...I'm finally done with school forever, and while I was sitting in traffic today during my last morning commute to Manhattan College, I had an awesome idea for how to improve gas mileage. I personally think it's a pretty cool idea, not just because we are living in the times of the great global warming debate, but just because everyone loves getting good gas mileage...and because my idea involves something that can be fun for everyone. I'll give you a hint: it involves NASCAR. Hang on! Don't click the X at the top right of the screen! Just because I mentioned global warming and NASCAR doesn't mean I'm going on some crazy rant...my idea is actually kind of cool...and I swear it really only has to do with gas mileage...so just hear me out.

Ok...now I came up with this idea while I sat in traffic and came to the realization that people lack the ability to drive at highway speeds (65-80 mph) in large, closely packed groups of cars. When there's a lot of people on the road, everyone just mopes along, and as a result, everyone's gas mileage suffers, as well as everyone's sanity. So...I propose that everyone...and I mean everyone (yes, even you, Asian lady talking on your cell phone)...goes to NASCAR driving school. I mean, who else would be better to learn from than NASCAR drivers? Those guys can go 160+ mph in a pack of 40 cars with mere inches between each car. Sure...they crash a lot, but that's because they're constantly going in a circle. Now you're probably wondering how taking NASCAR driving lessons would help gas mileage, so I'll get to my point. In NASCAR there is a technique called drafting, in which one car gets behind another car, and follows it as closely as possible, therefore inserting itself into the air pocket behind the lead car. Getting into the air pocket behind the lead car means that the rear car is not experiencing any wind resistance. This is helpful in races because it allows the car in the air pocket to go faster due to the lack of wind resistance, and then eventually slingshot himself around the lead car. This driving technique would be helpful for driving a regular street car because the lack of wind resistance in the air pocket allows the car in the pocket to get better gas mileage. So think about this plan now. We get everyone to go to NASCAR sanctioned driving schools...and we all learn how to move our asses in tightly packed groups of cars, and we all learn to how to draft. Once we get everyone drafting each other, you could potentially have a line of cars 20 cars long all drafting one another and getting great gas mileage! Your car that gets 25 mpg could possibly get 35 mpg or maybe even 40 mpg! How fuckin' sweet would that be? Think of all the gas you wouldn't have to waste money on! There would be no traffic during morning commutes either, because no one will be creeping along...everyone will be movin' their ass to the tune of 65-80 mph, and they won't be afraid to do so because they learned from the best of the best!

Some of you may be wondering, "Hey Chris...how do you know that less wind resistance means you get better gas mileage?" Well...seeing as how I have a bachelor's and master's degree in mechanical engineering...I know these kinds of things. In aerodynamics, we learn that the purpose of making cars more aerodynamic and sleek is so that they have a lower drag coefficient (which means they experience less wind resistance). Theoretically, the lower a car's drag coefficient, the faster it can go while still getting decent gas mileage. Most car manufacturers design their cars so that you get the best gas mileage at 65 mph, which is the highest possible highway speed allowed by law in the majority of the country. Once you go faster than 65 mph, your gas mileage begins to take a turn for the worse. Applied to my drafting plan, the zero wind resistance experienced in the air pocket behind the lead car means your car's drag coefficient essentially becomes zero (meaning it has no drag), due to the fact that the air pocket is essentially a vacuum (meaning it lacks air).

So there ya go! That's my plan to increase gas mileage on everyone's car without any major technological overhauls. Take that Exxon/Mobil/Sunoco/BP/Hess/Lukoil/Iraq/Iran/Saudi Arabia/Kuwait/Venezuela! Now it's our turn to screw you guys over by making your profits lower! Seriously though...I know that my plan is a little out in left field, and since it doesn't concern reducing emissions, it will probably never affect global warming (if it really does exist), but honestly...is it any crazier than telling people that it's ok to pollute as long you buy some bull-shit carbon offsets?

I'm a busy dude

Okay...I know I haven't posted anything in a while, and that the point of a blog is to post things frequently....but I have a ton of shit to do, so BACK OFF!!! Sorry bout that little explosion there. But I do have a ton of shit to do before the end of my last semester of school ever...so when I'm done with all of that I'll start posing regularly again.

Roger Clemens is comin' back to the Yankees!!!!

Literally two minutes ago, as I was watching the Yankees game, the YES network cut off a commercial to come back to the game with none other than Roger Clemens making an announcement from the owner's booth that he is coming back to New York!!! How fuckin' awesome is that!!! Finally the Yankees will have some good pitching to fill in for all of the injuries to their pitching staff, and to cover for the waste of money that Carl Pavano was. Maybe once he comes back, the Yankees will be able to play like the Yankees again...hell maybe even they'll make it to the World Series this year. They certainly have the batting line-up and the fielding to make it happen...they just need to get their pitching staff in order. Hopefully the addition of Clemens to Pettitte, Wang, Igawa, Mussina, and Hughes (after his hamstring heals) will bolster their starting staff enough so that the bullpen (which isn't very good) doesn't have to carry so much of the weight.

The War in Iraq: A Soldier's Perspective

This video was made by U.S. Army Specialist Colby Buzzell, and details the events of a battle that he was in during his tour in Iraq. He animated a series of his own drawings (which are amazing) to tell the story. The video doesn't get all political about the war, nor am I going to start getting political about it in this post. I just though it was a very well done video. It was interesting to see what a soldier's perspective is on what's going on over there. Sometimes it's better to get the story straight from the horse's mouth, than to see it on a news station that is going to slant it to match their particular viewpoint. I've watched a ton of soldier submitted video footage from Iraq on YouTube. All you have to do on YouTube is search for "Iraq videos" or "Iraq footage" or something like that, and a plethora of videos will come up. They are all really cool to watch, because you get to see exactly what goes on, how the soldiers go about everything, and what the outcome is. After watching a bunch of the soldier's videos, I personally think it's going a lot better over there than what the media and Democrats tell us...again...they have their own agenda to push, but actual footage submitted by the soldiers is unbiased because...well...because it's submitted by them. However, no matter what your view on the war is, you have to give the soldiers infinite amounts of respect for the shit they deal with everyday over there so all of us here in the States don't have to. Here is the video:

The War In Iraq: A Soldiers Perspective - Brought to you by Break.com Video Search

My first blog post in the history of ever!

Hooray! I made a blog! Awesome job, Chris! Hey, thanks dude!

Well...I don't have much to write yet, but I can assure you there will be many rants and random thoughts to come. I gotta give thanks to the whitest Indian kid I know (Dave Patel) for helping me come up with the name for my blog. I seriously sat around for like an hour trying to think of a clever name and was coming up with squat. So I IM'ed Dave and asked him to help me out, and he suggested thinking of a play on words with my last name (Bell). We had all sorts of silly ideas like "Chris Rings His Bell" or "Ringing the Bell with Chris Bell" or "Ring My Bell." Then I came up with calling it "Saved By the Bell," you know, like the early 90's TV show. Zack Morris was the man...THE MAN...a natural born pimp. He still got a ton of chicks even with that excessively large "Zack Morris cell phone." I personally thought Slater was a douche bag. But I digress... So then I thought of other popular phrases with the word Bell in it, and immediately thought of For Whom the Bell Tolls (a classic Metallica song). We decided that to be the most kick-ass name of all the ones we thought of, so I typed it into Blogger and made it so. Now watch...I'm gonna get a letter from Lars Ulrich of Metallica telling me to change the name of my blog or he's gonna sue me like he did Napster. Hey Lars...leave the law to the law makers and stick to playing drums...it's the only thing you're good at.