Things That Happened While You Were Busy Worrying About Paris Hilton Being in Jail

1. You lost your virginity to Nick Lachey (girls)/Jessica Biel (guys)....although I don't know what guy would worry about Paris Hilton besides a gay guy...in that case...Nick Lachey.
   
2. Lindsay Lohan finally stopped doing drugs and is becoming a nun.
3. We finally nuked the Middle East, and have completely gotten rid of all those pesky terrorists.
4. You mysteriously got herpes...in your nose.
5. Britney Spears finally revealed why she acts so crazy...it's because she's a crab person.
6. Someone finally figured out how to end Lost.
7. That slice of pizza you left on your desk last week grew limbs and genitals and had sex with the half-eaten donut in your garbage to make a race of super pizza-donuts called ponuts that now comprise 40% of the population of America and are demanding social security benefits.
8. We invented flying cars and light speed engines, and now travel around the galaxy like in Star Wars.
9. iPods went out of style...and carrying an oversized boom-box on your shoulder came back in style.
10. Jesus finally came back to Earth, said what's up, and then left in a hurry after he saw Rosie O'Donnell's face on the news.
11. Global warming was determined to be hoax created by two third graders in Montana.
    
12. Scientists found a cure for cancer and AIDS...but unfortunately couldn't find one for that herpes in your nose.
13. Aliens came down to Earth and gave you an anal probe...and then Scott Baio gave you pink eye.
    
14. The dramatic chipmunk/squirrel won an Oscar for his role in the remake of Gone with the Wind.
15. Paris Hilton DIED!