Someone Is Stealing Money Out Of My Paycheck, And I Think It's The Government

Have you ever bothered to calculate how much money the government actually takes out of your paycheck per year in taxes? Well I did, and I think you should too, because it will totally change the way you think about how this country should work. I was looking at my pay stub today, and noticed that I get a dickload of money taken out in taxes every week. Approximately $440 dollars is the amount of that weekly dickload. That's a pretty big dickload, isn't it? I mean, I always look at my pay stub to see if there's anything unusual on it, but I never actually bothered to compare the amount of taxes I pay to how much I'm left with afterwards. I was bored, so I thought to myself, "I wonder what percentage of my total pay Uncle Sam takes from me per year?" I did some calculations, and I figured out that the government takes 34.288% of my paycheck per year. Holy shit! HOLY SHIT! That's a lot of money...MY fuckin' money! I didn't give them permission to take that much money from me! No one from the government ever came to me and said, "Ok, Chris, we're gonna take about 35% of your paycheck, and you can keep 65%...is that cool with you?" Where the hell does my 35% go? I'll tell you where it goes. It goes to old and broken social programs, like welfare. The fact that we still have a welfare program is just fuckin' insane...and socialist! Really...the welfare program is socialism at its best. They take your money without asking you and give it to poor people who are too lazy/stupid/drugged out/etc. to go get a job or stay in school. All the bleeding heart weenies out there try to fool themselves by saying that it's not the welfare recipients' fault that they live in a ghetto or a trailer park and they have no money or job. Oh really? It's not their fault? Well who's fault is it? Mine? My parents'? My dog's? I don't know these fuckin' people on welfare, and it's not my fault that they turned to drugs or gangs and dropped out of school and just became waste products. Why should I, or any other hard working American have to bear the burden of stupid peoples' mistakes by having part of our tax money go to the welfare program? We shouldn't have to...it's ridiculous! If you're stupid enough to think that it's a good idea to drop out of school and join a gang, or to start making heroin use a daily festivity with your friends, then it's your own fuckin' fault that you're poor and have no job. Go fuck yourself!

People's response to cutting off welfare is usually, "Oh how could you do that to them...that's so mean...we'd have tons of homeless people running around if you cut off welfare." Well...we don't have to have tons of homeless people running around if we cut off welfare...because I have a solution. First, we kick out all of the illegal immigrants. Second, we convert all welfare offices and employees to the JET Force (Job Enforcement Task Force). Since the JET Force is just all the welfare system employees under a different name, they'll have the records of where all welfare recipients live. So, we send JET Force officers (oh by the way, creating the JET Force also creates new jobs, because we'll need officers to actually do the enforcing) to the welfare recipients' houses, and we grab them by the ears and drag them out of their houses and give them the jobs that all the illegal immigrants we kicked out used to have. It makes more sense to have a legal US citizen mowing my lawn than an illegal one. Since all these welfare recipients will have jobs, we won't have to pay them my money and your money in the form of a welfare check anymore. We can cut off welfare, and keep that money for ourselves to spend and invest. But of course, that will never happen because everyone in America has turned into a bleeding heart pussy. "It's too mean," everyone will say. "You'll hurt the illegal immigrants feelings if you kick them out," they'll say. "The welfare recipients have been out of the workforce for too long, and they won't be able to do a good job at work," they'll say. You know what I say? Fuck off, grow a pair, stop bein' a fag, and start making people take responsibility for their own actions and their own lives.

Wow...sorry for that rant about welfare...I don't know how I got into that when I only wanted to rant about high taxes. Soooooo yeah...taxes. I was gonna talk about that. Well they're too high. They should only exist to pay for public works projects (roads, water mains, bridges, etc.), military and government officials' salaries, and fighting global Islamic terrorism. Making me pay for things like welfare is just unacceptable (sorry...couldn't help but mention that again). We should also migrate to a flat income tax of 10% for everyone...none of this tax bracket nonsense. If the government cut spending on unnecessary programs (like welfare) and made a 10% flat tax, then all of us would actually get to keep more of the money we work hard for so that we can invest it in things. If all Americans had more money to invest and spend on things, the economy would become stronger because there would be more money circulating around the country at a more steady and healthy pace. But as usual, this makes way too much sense, so the government will never do it. They'll just keep taking our money and spending it on stupid things. And if Hillary Clinton should ever become president (God forbid), you can kiss even more of your money good-bye. That 34.288% will skyrocket to 50% or more. That's how she'll pay for her "universal health care" nonsense. My grandparents went up to Canada on a trip last week (they have universal health care up there), and were shocked when they got a glass of cheap wine and it cost $18. They noticed on their bill that the sales tax was 14%. When they asked the waiter why it was so high, he said it's because that's how their government pays for the universal health care plan...they raised the sales tax to 14%. I saw a Canadian commercial on YouTube one time that was making fun of how high their taxes are, and it said their income was being taxed to the tune of somewhere around 60% when they included all the government programs that needed to be paid for. That's just evil. So Hillary wants us all to pay for each other's health care like in Canada? Yeah, fuck that. I also read today that she wants to give every newborn baby in America a $5,000 savings bond, so that the family can save it and let it earn interest to help pay for college, yet she has no plans for actually enforcing that it be used for college. This plan would cost $20 billion in its first year alone. You know who pays that $20 billion? Yep, you guessed it. Me and you...Joe Taxpayer. If you vote for her, I hope you're an extremely generous person, because every 30 seconds, when a baby is born in America, your bank account will be taking a hit to pay for those $5,000 savings bonds. I love how she just wants to take our money and hand it out to everyone. Gee, I wonder if she's a socialist? Whatever...I'm not trying to blatantly persuade anyone to vote one way or the other...I'm just trying to prepare you ahead of time for how much money you aren't going to have if Hillary Clinton becomes president. I'll say it one more time so it sinks in...take my word for it...if Hillary Clinton becomes president, taxes will be so high that you will have considerably less money to freely spend than you do now. If you're gonna vote for a democrat...fine...but for the sake of our taxes...don't vote for her.

Things That Happened While You Were Busy Worrying About Paris Hilton Being in Jail

1. You lost your virginity to Nick Lachey (girls)/Jessica Biel (guys)....although I don't know what guy would worry about Paris Hilton besides a gay guy...in that case...Nick Lachey.
   
2. Lindsay Lohan finally stopped doing drugs and is becoming a nun.
3. We finally nuked the Middle East, and have completely gotten rid of all those pesky terrorists.
4. You mysteriously got herpes...in your nose.
5. Britney Spears finally revealed why she acts so crazy...it's because she's a crab person.
6. Someone finally figured out how to end Lost.
7. That slice of pizza you left on your desk last week grew limbs and genitals and had sex with the half-eaten donut in your garbage to make a race of super pizza-donuts called ponuts that now comprise 40% of the population of America and are demanding social security benefits.
8. We invented flying cars and light speed engines, and now travel around the galaxy like in Star Wars.
9. iPods went out of style...and carrying an oversized boom-box on your shoulder came back in style.
10. Jesus finally came back to Earth, said what's up, and then left in a hurry after he saw Rosie O'Donnell's face on the news.
11. Global warming was determined to be hoax created by two third graders in Montana.
    
12. Scientists found a cure for cancer and AIDS...but unfortunately couldn't find one for that herpes in your nose.
13. Aliens came down to Earth and gave you an anal probe...and then Scott Baio gave you pink eye.
    
14. The dramatic chipmunk/squirrel won an Oscar for his role in the remake of Gone with the Wind.
15. Paris Hilton DIED!
    

Here I Sit, Lonely Hearted; Tried To Shit, But Only Farted...

Have you ever sprinted at Mach 1 to the bathroom because you suddenly got that "I have to shit right now or I'm gonna go in my pants" feeling, only to be disappointed when it turns out to be a false alarm? That happened to me twice today at work. It's fucking frustrating when that happens. Any girls reading this will probably be grossed out, but all the guys are thinkin' to themselves, "Yeah man, I fucking hate when that happens." I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach that made me think I was about to have a release of Mount St. Helen's proportions, so I dropped what I was doing and ran to the bathroom. When I sat down on the bowl...nothing...just a fart. An odorless, unsatisfying fart. I didn't even get the pleasure of basking in the smelliness of my own brand...and on top of that...there wasn't even a second fart to keep the first fart company...'twas a lonely fart indeed! Oh well...I figured I'd have more success later. About two hours later I got that feeling again. I hustled to the bathroom expecting to walk out feeling like a new man, but no. Nothing again. I didn't even get the tiny bit of satisfaction a fart would have given me. I was duped again by my stomach. Oh why stomach! Why do you torture me so with grandiose expectations of awesome shits that would leave me two pounds lighter and feeling refreshed and revitalized!!! WHYYYYY!!!

Douche-bags at the Gym

Have you ever taken the time to observe how many douche-bags there are at the gym? I have. I've noticed that there are several different kinds of douche-bags that sweat pure douche-ness from their pores. But before I describe a few kinds of the douche-bags I've noticed, I'll first describe their 3 major traits as a species:

1. They travel both in groups and by themselves. When douche-bags travel in groups, it is usually with no more than 3 or 4 people. When traveling by himself, a lone douche-bag will often find a larger group of douche-bags to hang around and talk to. This allows him to alert others, "stay away...I'm a douche-bag too."
2. They are highly territorial. Gym douche-bags always congregate in the same general area; and that area is always the section of the gym containing dumb bells, 45 pound plates, and benches. If you want to avoid any contact with gym douche-bags, I suggest you stick to the cable machine and cardio area. They have rarely been observed doing cardio...some scientists believe it can actually kill them.
3. 99% of the time, gym douche-bags are guidos. I know what you're thinking...those stupid hair cuts! Yes...we all hate the guido blow-out hair cut...but a rant about guidos is best saved for another day. Unfortunately for us normal people, anytime you see someone at the gym with a guido blow-out hair cut and a ridiculously fake tan, he is most likely a gym douche-bag, and should be avoided at all costs.

Now I will describe for you the 3 most apparent douche-bags I've spotted at my gym. Two of these are individual people, and one is an actual group of people. I'll start with the group of douche-bags first:

1. I like to call this group "the bicep club." They are prevalent in their largest numbers anywhere between 4:00 pm and 7:00 pm, which suggests they probably come straight from work. They are also mostly guidos. They completely occupy the free weight area, emanating douche-ness and polluting the area. The reason I have named them "the bicep club" is because they feel that it's necessary to flex in the mirror after every set they do. They don't try to make it look discrete either. They do long, obvious flexes in the mirror, which wastes the time of the normal people waiting to use the dumb bells. Seriously guys, how full of yourselves are you that you have to flex in front of everyone at the gym? Get a life and grow a pair...that is of course, if your pair hasn't already shriveled away from all the steroids you probably do.
2. Next is one of the individual douche-bags I've seen occupying my gym with his meaningless existence. He suffers from what I like to call, "chicken leg syndrome." He is one of those d-bags who only works out his upper body, and completely neglects his legs. Therefore his upper body is massively huge and ripped, but his legs are scrawny and disproportionate to the rest of his body, hence the name "chicken leg syndrome." He also walks around with that "I'm so huge, I'm better than all of you weaklings" walk. It is a slow walk, where his arms sway slowly from side-to-side in a deliberately douche-baggish manner as his head slowly pans the gym looking for other douche-bags for him to go hang out with. You could easily beat this guy in a fight by kicking him in the shin, because it would probably shatter into 10 pieces.
3. The last individual douche-bag that takes up space at my gym is probably an even bigger douche-bag than the bicep club and the chicken leg syndrome guy combined. This is not because of anything he says or does...but because HE WEARS SUNGLASSES IN THE FUCKING GYM!!! I mean seriously...who wears sunglasses inside a gym, let alone inside any enclosed structure!!! It just isn't necessary!!! I've seen this guy take the glasses off for a few seconds too, and his eyes don't look fucked up like he has some condition where his eyes are sensitive to light! He's just a complete fucking douche-bag!!! To top off his douche-ness, he's a guido!!! He's not a young guido, though. He's clearly in his 30's, but insists on the spiky guido hair cut (his isn't a complete blow-out though). He doesn't even wear gym clothes when he works out (mesh shorts, sneakers, ratty t-shirt, etc.)!!! He wears boots, khaki cargo pants, and a t-shirt with the sleeves cut off. The sleeveless t-shirt is the only appropriate piece of gym attire he wears!!! If he wasn't a guido, his wearing of sunglasses inside the gym wouldn't make him look like a douche-bag, it would just make him look like a weirdo. Who does this guy think he is? Cyclops from the X-men? Does he have Wolverine and Storm waiting in the car so they can go fuck up Magneto? I don't know why you do it, but seriously dude...you don't look cool with those sunglasses on inside the gym...you look like an asshole. Take off the fuckin' sun glasses! Nobody likes you and your parents don't love you. You are they epitome of a douche-bag, and if that's not something to be damn proud of, then I don't know what is!

Hopefully this tirade has inspired all of you to keep a vigilant watch for any douche-bags that may be infecting your gym with their douche-ness. I give you this warning though: do not provoke the douche-bags. If provoked, their roid-rage may cause them to lash out and hurt someone.

Disclaimer: Chris Bell and the For Whom the Bell Tolls blog will not be held responsible for the actions of the reader should he/she decide to provoke a gym douche-bag, especially if said actions result in any injury to the reader or other innocent bystanders.

The Gypsy Carts at the Mall

So me and my brother, Kevin, were walking around Paramus Park mall yesterday to get our dad a birthday present. As you all know, most malls in America have the center of their corridors lined with those litter carts where people sell cheap jewelry, cell phone accessories, hair products, and other useless crap...I like to call them "gypsy carts." We walked past one of those gypsy carts that had four really hot girls standing around it. I knew that if I violated the number one rule for not being bothered by one of the gypsy cart people (which is to not make eye contact), that we'd be screwed. But since one of the girls was wearing this really really short skirt...actually, I wouldn't even call it a skirt...it was more like a sk, maybe even just an s...I couldn't help but look. Sure enough she caught me, and snagged me and Kevin by asking us how old we were. Then she rambled on about some sort of free modeling contract audition, but I didn't catch it all because she had an accent. We said no and just walked away. I should have told her that since I'm so hot, it wouldn't be fair to the other applicants if I applied because they'd have no chance. Then some other gypsy cart lady tried the old "excuse me would you like to try this hand cream" bit. Kevin's answer was hilarious, yet provocative. He said, "No thanks, we're kinda busy." I couldn't stop laughing because all we were doing was walking...in no way did we look busy or in any sort of a hurry.

So I have a message for all you gypsy cart gypsies. LEAVE US THE FUCK ALONE!!! If we want to buy something from your little cart...we'll come ask you. Don't try to lure us in with hot girls in sk's, or annoying ladies that jump out from behind the cart like ninjas and try to get you to "try this amazing hand cream" or this "amazing herbal heating pad" or the "magic wrinkle getter-outer for clothes." If I think the stuff on your cart looks interesting, then I'll come poke around. If it doesn't, then I'm going to keep on walking...and being busy. Any business school will tell you that hassling passers-by to no end is not a good business model...all it will do is drive people away because you're being annoying. I shouldn't have to walk through the mall staring at the floor or at the store windows, and risk slamming into the fat Mexican lady pushing a baby carriage full of 6 screaming babies because I'm not looking in front of me, just to avoid eye contact with you so I don't have to hear your shitty sales pitch. I would love nothing more than to drive a monster truck down the center of the mall and crush all of your stupid gypsy carts.

An Open Letter to George Steinbrenner

Dear Georgie,

Based on your team's performance so far this season, I hope you've realized that money can't buy you a World Series victory. Please stop hiring old players just because they are famous and you can afford to pay them a lot of money. It's not working. They have no hustle, and don't care about playing hard, because they'll get their millions of dollars even if they lose. Maybe you should consider getting rid of the senior citizens on your team and getting some energetic young guys to replace them...young guys that actually play hard, hustle after the ball, swing at strikes, and actually like playing with each other. Also, as much as I love Joe Torre, you need to get rid of him. He's just not working anymore. Hire someone that isn't a statue on the bench like Torre is. Hire someone with some life to him who'll be able to inspire the players to work with each other and play like a team that actually wants to get to the World Series. Hire someone who rants and raves at bad calls so that you know he actually cares about the outcome of the game. Lou Pinella maybe? I know "Georgie's gettin' angry!!" So please take my advice to fix this problem.

Thank you,
Chris Bell

My Plan for Cars to Get Better Gas Mileage

I'm baaaaaaack. Well...I'm finally done with school forever, and while I was sitting in traffic today during my last morning commute to Manhattan College, I had an awesome idea for how to improve gas mileage. I personally think it's a pretty cool idea, not just because we are living in the times of the great global warming debate, but just because everyone loves getting good gas mileage...and because my idea involves something that can be fun for everyone. I'll give you a hint: it involves NASCAR. Hang on! Don't click the X at the top right of the screen! Just because I mentioned global warming and NASCAR doesn't mean I'm going on some crazy rant...my idea is actually kind of cool...and I swear it really only has to do with gas mileage...so just hear me out.

Ok...now I came up with this idea while I sat in traffic and came to the realization that people lack the ability to drive at highway speeds (65-80 mph) in large, closely packed groups of cars. When there's a lot of people on the road, everyone just mopes along, and as a result, everyone's gas mileage suffers, as well as everyone's sanity. So...I propose that everyone...and I mean everyone (yes, even you, Asian lady talking on your cell phone)...goes to NASCAR driving school. I mean, who else would be better to learn from than NASCAR drivers? Those guys can go 160+ mph in a pack of 40 cars with mere inches between each car. Sure...they crash a lot, but that's because they're constantly going in a circle. Now you're probably wondering how taking NASCAR driving lessons would help gas mileage, so I'll get to my point. In NASCAR there is a technique called drafting, in which one car gets behind another car, and follows it as closely as possible, therefore inserting itself into the air pocket behind the lead car. Getting into the air pocket behind the lead car means that the rear car is not experiencing any wind resistance. This is helpful in races because it allows the car in the air pocket to go faster due to the lack of wind resistance, and then eventually slingshot himself around the lead car. This driving technique would be helpful for driving a regular street car because the lack of wind resistance in the air pocket allows the car in the pocket to get better gas mileage. So think about this plan now. We get everyone to go to NASCAR sanctioned driving schools...and we all learn how to move our asses in tightly packed groups of cars, and we all learn to how to draft. Once we get everyone drafting each other, you could potentially have a line of cars 20 cars long all drafting one another and getting great gas mileage! Your car that gets 25 mpg could possibly get 35 mpg or maybe even 40 mpg! How fuckin' sweet would that be? Think of all the gas you wouldn't have to waste money on! There would be no traffic during morning commutes either, because no one will be creeping along...everyone will be movin' their ass to the tune of 65-80 mph, and they won't be afraid to do so because they learned from the best of the best!

Some of you may be wondering, "Hey Chris...how do you know that less wind resistance means you get better gas mileage?" Well...seeing as how I have a bachelor's and master's degree in mechanical engineering...I know these kinds of things. In aerodynamics, we learn that the purpose of making cars more aerodynamic and sleek is so that they have a lower drag coefficient (which means they experience less wind resistance). Theoretically, the lower a car's drag coefficient, the faster it can go while still getting decent gas mileage. Most car manufacturers design their cars so that you get the best gas mileage at 65 mph, which is the highest possible highway speed allowed by law in the majority of the country. Once you go faster than 65 mph, your gas mileage begins to take a turn for the worse. Applied to my drafting plan, the zero wind resistance experienced in the air pocket behind the lead car means your car's drag coefficient essentially becomes zero (meaning it has no drag), due to the fact that the air pocket is essentially a vacuum (meaning it lacks air).

So there ya go! That's my plan to increase gas mileage on everyone's car without any major technological overhauls. Take that Exxon/Mobil/Sunoco/BP/Hess/Lukoil/Iraq/Iran/Saudi Arabia/Kuwait/Venezuela! Now it's our turn to screw you guys over by making your profits lower! Seriously though...I know that my plan is a little out in left field, and since it doesn't concern reducing emissions, it will probably never affect global warming (if it really does exist), but honestly...is it any crazier than telling people that it's ok to pollute as long you buy some bull-shit carbon offsets?